Inside: Do you feel distant, disconnected, and far from your spouse? Here are the best ways for how to reconnect with your spouse when you feel ready to quit.

Dumping his lunchbox on the counter my husband would give me a quick kiss and make his way over to the living room where he kicks off his socks and melts into the couch cushions and takes on his full-time role of being our son’s human jungle-gym so I can hurry and get supper ready.

It’s the same quick exchange every day:

“How was your day, hunny?”

“Fine, how was yours?”

“Good. Are you hungry?”

“Yea.”

It’s my first time having a grown-up conversation all day, and it leaves a gaping void. We try to communicate, but between the baby throwing a major tantrum and the rice burning on the stove, it’s next to impossible.

So we give up on the idea of having a real conversation and each take on our roles, going through the motions – him, entertaining a tired, cranky baby. Me, getting dinner ready just in time to put the baby to bed and ending up eating it cold.

All the hustle and bustle and lack of valuable connection leaves me feeling empty.

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The Unfortunate Side Effect of Being Disconnected From Your Spouse

Setting the table, I shouted orders at him. 

“Can you please change the baby into his sleeper?”

“You need to call Kevin back,”

“Can’t you shut the TV off and spend time with your family for once?”

As soon as the words left my mouth I regretted them. Who had I become? I wasn’t this harsh, mean, and defiant person. 

I used to be fun. We used to have fun. We used to laugh together. Now, all we do is shout back and forth trying to have a real conversation, giving up, and going through the motions until we eventually collapse into bed and don’t say another word.

We felt more like roommates than soulmates and this disconnect in our marriage was turning me into a bitter person, and I didn’t like who I was becoming.

How to Reconnect With Your Spouse by Doing One Simple Thing

For the sake of our marriage, I decided enough was enough and got off my high horse. I stopped thinking that for some reason my husband was responsible for turning our marriage around. That because I felt disconnected from him, he had to be the one to do the reconnecting.

‘Cause that’s how marriage works, right?

or not.

It was time for a change, I wasn’t willing to continue feeling disconnected from my husband. I hated feeling no emotional connection with my husband, so I made a change.

There are countless articles and pieces of advice readily available to “fix your marriage quick”. That’s not what I was looking for. What I wanted was something that I could do that I knew would work. Something backed by science.

And so, I began digging.

And what I realized shocked me.

I didn’t have to be the perfect wife. Reconnecting with my husband didn’t mean I could never lose my cool again (even though I didn’t like to lose my cool – sometimes it just happens). 

What it did mean, though? 

I needed to serve him by doing something FOR HIM.

…and I didn’t realize that doing stuff for him – that he wanted – was so drastically different from what I thought it should be. It took reading this book to learn the difference between what men need and what women need – and how to deliver it.

This is where things got hard – because I could serve him just fine, as long as I was serving him in a way that I thought was being kind and caring. 

As it turns out, men and women and their perception of what makes them feel loved and respected differ significantly.

For example, it took 3 YEARS before I finally stopped salting my husband’s eggs.

When I would make eggs for him, he would always tell me he liked just pepper on them. But, out of habit, I would add a dash of salt, too. Because in my mind, eggs are gross unless they are salted.

I added the salt because I thought it would make him feel loved. I wasn’t trying to dishonor him by putting salt on the eggs, instead, I salted the eggs because I felt bad if I didn’t – I think eggs without salt are gross, so I salt his eggs because if he were to make me eggs, I would feel loved if he took thought to put salt on them.

After 3 years of marriage, I have finally quit salting his eggs and accepting the fact that he truly doesn’t like salt on his eggs and he thinks they’re just fine without it.

So, when I realized that I needed to do start doing something special the way he likes it, not the way I think would make him feel the most loved, it finally clicked.

“This is how to get my husband to emotionally connect with me!”

Emotional Connection in Marriage – Why is it Gone?

You may be wondering, “how do eggs have anything to do with feeling like my husband is disconnected with me?”. What I’m trying to say is just because something seems sweet and special to you, doesn’t mean it is to your husband.

To rekindle the spark in your marrige, reconnect with your spouse, re-light the fire that’s burned out, or however you want to put it, it all comes down to this:

Learn what he likes, and do that.

Forget the “he needs to be the one to make the change. It’s his fault anyway, why should I have to put in the work?” mentality and humble yourself.

What Happens When You Learn How to Reconnect With Your Husband

I started doing things that were special to my husband, and the impact it had on our marriage was significant. 

So much so I couldn’t stop serving him because I was having so much fun.

We weren’t fighting nearly as much, he was talking to me about my day after work and really listening to the things I had to say, he turned the TV off more often and spent time interacting and playing with his son – all distractions put away.

I couldn’t believe how one small mindset change – going from believing he was the problem and he had to fix it to taking the burden on myself, because our marriage makes us one, so regardless of whose “fault” it was, it was both our responsibility to fix – could change so much.

Taking it One Step Further: How to Use the Five Senses to Reconnect With My Husband

I was sold. This stuff worked. But I wasn’t ready to stop here. I decided to take it one step further – I learned what my husband’s love languages were, and I started doing stuff for him according to his love languages that I knew would make him feel special.

(Don’t know what your husband’s love language is? You can take a free quiz here to find out.)

My husband’s primary love language is physical touch (surprise, surprise). So, I started doing things for him that involved touch.

If we were sitting in the car together, I would reach over and place my hand on his thigh. When we’re out in public together, we walk hand in hand. Sometimes it’s something as simple and quick as a brief biceps squeeze to illuminate his senses. 

When I started doing things for him that I knew he liked, according to his love languages, I couldn’t believe what started happening in our marriage.

All of a sudden it felt like there was a renewed connection – like we had found the piece of our marriage puzzle that went missing years ago after the honeymoon phase.

If you want to learn more about how the 5 Senses play a role in love and marriage, read this.

But What About the Wife?

“But wait. What about the wife? She’s just supposed to keep pouring out and serving him without getting anything in return?”

This is the best part. The more I would serve my husband and respect him in ways that were meaningful to him, the more he started speaking my love language and showing me unconditional love – without even realizing it.

As I continued showering him in respect, compliments started pouring out of his mouth like a waterfall. He even started leaving little love notes around the house for me before he left for work.

The more I spoke his love language, the more he spoke mine.

It was like there was some unwritten rule that said, “the more she’s kind to you, the more you had better love her in return”

It just came naturally.

Letting go of my bitter ways and starting to speak my husband’s love language is the exact thing that helped us not only reconnect emotionally in marriage but reconnect in every way possible.

More Ways to Reconnect With Your Spouse

5 Ways to Reconnect With Your Spouse. I recommend starting to reconnect in your marriage by discovering your husband’s love language and speaking it to him multiple times a day. On top of that, here are 5 more ways to reconnect with your husband when your marriage is wearing thin:

  • Start Meaningful Conversation With Him

It’s time to quit dinnertime in front of the TV and start the new habit of having family mealtimes around the table with meaningful conversation. If you feel like your conversations have been drying up lately, use these fun 101 Conversation Starters for Couples.

  • Play a board game

Before I started serving my husband by speaking his love langage, the very first thing that we did that started to help us reconnect – without even meaning to – was we pulled out two of our favorite board games (Cribbage & Chess) and started playing them once or even twice a day. This was simply time that we didn’t have the TV on and weren’t getting distracted by our phones, and while we played the meaningful conversations started to flow.

  • Laugh together

I’m not meaning a chuckle here and there. I’m meaning a full-on belly laugh that starts deep down and bubbles out that you can’t stop. That kind of laugh. 

“For couples who divorced on average 13.9 years after they were married, it was the absence of laughter that predicted the end of their bond,” stated the research. “In the early stages of a marriage, anger and contempt are highly toxic. In the later phases of intimate relations, it is the dearth of laughter that leads individuals to part ways.” – Source

Laughing together helps you remember that you don’t only love each other, but you still like each other, too.

  • Use the 5:1 ratio

Studies show that every lasting and happy relationship has a magic ratio. The magic ratio is how many positive interactions there needs to be for every one negative interaction. That ratio is 5:1. 

“When the [happy couples] are talking about something important, they may be arguing, but they are also laughing and teasing and there are signs of affection because they have made emotional connections.”Gottman

The study goes on to say that unhappy couples engaged in fewer positive interactions to compensate for the negative interactions. 

  • Sleep Naked

“Hold up. You want me to what?!?That’s right. A study has been done that shows sleeping naked leads to a better sex life. It turns out, that sleeping with no outer layer – pjs – is a successful way to keep your sex life top-notch. It will likely feel uncomfortable and awkward at first, but keep at it for a couple of nights and see how it affects your marriage. (Chances are, you’ll be happier and more satisfied even if you make just this one simple change. This is a great way for how to reconnect with your spouse sexually, too.)

There you have it – 6 ways to reconnect with your spouse when it feels like your marriage is falling apart. 

What You Need:

Here are the top two resources I recommend using when learning how to reconnect with your husband when it feels like you’re on one side of the Grande Canyon and he’s on the other.

This is how you build your bridge across to one another:

Love & Respect

This book has been a lifesaver in our marriage. It is actually the reason that I discovered my salting my husband’s eggs wasn’t coming across as respectful to him – but it also reaffirmed that I was just trying to be loving.

It showed me that my husband’s deepest desire wasn’t what I thought it was, and once I learned that I was able to start loving and respecting him in ways that he could relate to. (Who knew the way women and men speak could come across so differently to the opposite sex.)

The 5 Love Languages 

This book not only helps you learn the different love languages, but it also provides ideas and ways to express love to your spouse in each different language.

The Love Language Quiz

Learn yours & your husband’s love language by taking this free quiz.

Your Turn… How to Reconnect With Your Spouse

I’d love to know – what are some things you do to reconnect with your spouse when you feel distant? What is the best advice for how to reconnect with your husband when your marriage is worn thin? Feel free to share your thoughts in a comment below.